A wise woman (Mom) once said (last night) that most of the time we will not feel God near... but we are not supposed to go through life on our feelings right.. feelings change all the time.. what if God were like that?
Grief is an intense feeling.. you feel empty at first.. and not the kind of emptiness that is like when you say you were empty before you asked Jesus into your heart.. I am going to be honest here..I felt like my life became full, but I never had the sense prior to that that I was empty. Does anyone know what I mean.. I mean is that even Biblical or something people say to feel good? I did not realize this until I felt what emptiness was.. when my Dad died.. I felt.. empty.. thankfully that feeling has past, although other feelings of grief are still there... I can be sure they will change again.. but I can't be sure when.
Sometimes I can't sense God near.. that is when I need to choose not to trust feelings and rely on God's truth. When I have chosen to make a decision to trust God despite my feelings.. that is faith.. as long as I am daily in the Word, God will penetrate my heart by the power of the Holy Spirit. So no matter what I am feeling.. or whatever is gong on around me.. I can be sure that I am living in God's perfect will.
When the feeling is gone
I will keep pressing on
When I can't sense you near
I won't fall back in fear
I will keep pressing on
I will be challenged to trust
I know I must
I will keep pressing on
Yes my faith will endure
For Christ is my cure
I will keep pressing on
On a more random note I started wondering why I chose the phrase 'Pressing On'.. It must have been in my subconscious from this song I heard last month.. lol..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLNcsqHwoXI
June 27, 2011
May 8, 2011
One Month
It has been a month. One month since my Dad died. One month trying to figure out this thing called grief. That part of my llife is over.. complete.. done.. there are some stories in your life you can go back and open the book again to a new chapter, but not when death is involved... it is finished.. the end. So here are some ramblings about what I have learned or experienced. You do laugh and joke without feeling guilty. I have been in conversations with more than one person in the past who questioned how so and so could laugh and smile 3 weeks after their loved one died. I am here to tell you I laughed the same day. Not that my Dad was dead.. lol.. but at other things. There are so many emotions involved that you just can't predict how you will be from one moment to another. I was not expecting that grief would mess with my cognitive abilities. At first I had a difficult time remembering things and felt like I was repeating myself a lot. Not to mention that sometimes it was hard to find the right word or form a sentence without stuttering. I am glad to say that that department has gotten back to normal (or maybe it hasn't and I just forgot.. lol). Just when I think I have achieved some goal where I think I am ok, I will fall apart again. The drive back to Indiana from New Jersey, I was feeling good, I expected that things would feel better when I got home, but they did not. They felt worse, cause I had a bunch of my Dad's things, and I knew that was all that was left.. things. I went back into somewhat of a routine.. work and such, but that doesn't seem to matter, and I let everyone know that there are more important things than work, and no matter what, the work still gets done so there is no point in worrying about things at work. I am fine all day long and can talk about his death without a tear at work or church.. I usually cry.. sometimes for a split second.. usually in the car. Last week I didn't cry. I hardly thought about it since I was on vacation. Then today it hit me full force again. Someone at church told me this morning that sometimes it helps when the person who has died has died suddenly.. thats all I heard before I tuned her out. All I could think about on the way home was the fact that I did not get to say goodbye.. thats when the grief started again. I am sure this person was trying to bring me some comfort and for all I know they may have had to watch someone slowly die. I guess I am little tired of being the one who has to be understanding. I know there is no way around this .. no matter how hard I try.. I know this has to be a process.. I get angry because I get to a point where I am fine, and then it hits me again.. It has only been a month, but it feels like it has been much longer. Stay tuned... things will get better.. then worse... then better...
January 20, 2011
Resolutions
I don't like to make resolutions, because there is too much pressure involved and at the end of the year when they are not accomplished, too many people feel like a failure. I love to make goals though.. I find myself making these lists all the time in my journal. I like to use the word 'goal' because inevitably, I may not accomplish something on these lists within a year.. or two.. or three.. lol.. there are some that just keep reappearing, but they continue to reappear, because they are that important to me and in most cases I am actively pursuing. For instance, it has been my goal to read through the entire Bible for a while. I started this endeavor in 2008 and I have not even made it through half of the old testament. However it is something I actively pursue every day, because it is important to me. I am pleased to report that I have accomplished something that has been on my list probably since that same time as well. I have opened my own shop on Etsy. Lavender Skies Designs is up and running. No more talking about needing to do it! I am sure I drove plenty of people crazy with that. Here it is!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/Lavenderskiesdesigns
Ok.. so.. That was a big goal accomplished.. now what. Well completing this big goal has inspired more. I have been wanting to scrapbook more for a few years now, but have not done as much as I would like. With the Lavender Skies project up and running, I have been able to pursue scrapbooking, and I am actually doing it.. I am wondering if this could be a trend now! No more talking about doing stuff and actually doing it! I have also decided that I need to put a hold on buying more fabric. In case you did not know I have A Lot of fabric.. So my new active goal will be to use the pre-existing fabric that I have for new projects.. and old ones. I have had all these ideas, yet they always seem to get placed at the very bottom of whatever else I have decided to work on. So far I have been successful in not buying any new fabric in about a month, which is pretty good for me. I even had to go in Jo Anne's once for something else and did not even look at the fabric! have been thinking about doing something like this since the summer. When I went to see my Grandmother she started going through her fabric and sewing stuff. She had quite a few projects that she had been collecting for many many years that were started but not completed! It kinda surprised me that this would come from her, because she has accomplished a lot, yet here were all these things that were started and not finished! I realized that I do the same thing and I do not want to go through a box in 50 years and give these unsinished projects for my grand-daughter to finish.. I want them to be done so I can show them off.
Just wanted to give an update so now I can have more accountability :).
http://www.etsy.com/shop/Lavenderskiesdesigns
Ok.. so.. That was a big goal accomplished.. now what. Well completing this big goal has inspired more. I have been wanting to scrapbook more for a few years now, but have not done as much as I would like. With the Lavender Skies project up and running, I have been able to pursue scrapbooking, and I am actually doing it.. I am wondering if this could be a trend now! No more talking about doing stuff and actually doing it! I have also decided that I need to put a hold on buying more fabric. In case you did not know I have A Lot of fabric.. So my new active goal will be to use the pre-existing fabric that I have for new projects.. and old ones. I have had all these ideas, yet they always seem to get placed at the very bottom of whatever else I have decided to work on. So far I have been successful in not buying any new fabric in about a month, which is pretty good for me. I even had to go in Jo Anne's once for something else and did not even look at the fabric! have been thinking about doing something like this since the summer. When I went to see my Grandmother she started going through her fabric and sewing stuff. She had quite a few projects that she had been collecting for many many years that were started but not completed! It kinda surprised me that this would come from her, because she has accomplished a lot, yet here were all these things that were started and not finished! I realized that I do the same thing and I do not want to go through a box in 50 years and give these unsinished projects for my grand-daughter to finish.. I want them to be done so I can show them off.
Just wanted to give an update so now I can have more accountability :).
January 18, 2011
Joy of the Redeemed
The title is taken from the Chapter title of Isaiah 35, which is what inspired the poem in the first place.
When all those years
you could not see
when sorrow took you to your knees
when fears and failures
overwhelmed
God was there
Giving strength
to feeble hands
giving aid
to broken hearts
giving just enough
to slowly heal
Then the day will come
He will come with vengeance
because our God loves justice!
He will come with vengeance
with divine retribution
He will come to save you
it won't be slow in coming
and there will be retribution
there will be joy
there will be justice
Gladness and joy will overtake you
sorrow and sighing will have no place
when your deep ocean
is love and joy
Gladness will be contagious
ashes will be gone
and the beauty of the Lord
will be all that remains
Oh Lord let it be soon!
Let me be clothed
in a garment of praise
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God. 3 Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
4 say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”
5 Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
6 Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.
7 The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.
8 And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness;
it will be for those who walk on that Way.
The unclean will not journey on it;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
9 No lion will be there,
nor any ravenous beast;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
10 and those the LORD has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
Isaiah 61:3
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
When all those years
you could not see
when sorrow took you to your knees
when fears and failures
overwhelmed
God was there
Giving strength
to feeble hands
giving aid
to broken hearts
giving just enough
to slowly heal
Then the day will come
He will come with vengeance
because our God loves justice!
He will come with vengeance
with divine retribution
He will come to save you
it won't be slow in coming
and there will be retribution
there will be joy
there will be justice
Gladness and joy will overtake you
sorrow and sighing will have no place
when your deep ocean
is love and joy
Gladness will be contagious
ashes will be gone
and the beauty of the Lord
will be all that remains
Oh Lord let it be soon!
Let me be clothed
in a garment of praise
Isaiah 35
Joy of the Redeemed
1 The desert and the parched land will be glad;the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God. 3 Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
4 say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”
5 Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
6 Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.
7 The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.
8 And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness;
it will be for those who walk on that Way.
The unclean will not journey on it;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
9 No lion will be there,
nor any ravenous beast;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
10 and those the LORD has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
Isaiah 61:3
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
December 23, 2010
Power in Praise
1 Peter 4:11 (New International Version, ©2010)
11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
I will admit. I am sceptical of a lot of things. Even things in the Bible are hard for me to grasp. However when I find something I can apply, it is really exciting. This is not something new, but each time I put it into practice it feels like something newly discovered. Singing praise to the Lord. Songs like this with real substance fills my heart with joy; changes the course of my whole day. I sang this song as I was getting ready in the morning and my whole mood changed. The cool thing is that it was real joy, not just something euphoric. Give it a try and see what praising the Lord can do. I think I will make it a mandatory part of my morning routine. :)
I will admit. I am sceptical of a lot of things. Even things in the Bible are hard for me to grasp. However when I find something I can apply, it is really exciting. This is not something new, but each time I put it into practice it feels like something newly discovered. Singing praise to the Lord. Songs like this with real substance fills my heart with joy; changes the course of my whole day. I sang this song as I was getting ready in the morning and my whole mood changed. The cool thing is that it was real joy, not just something euphoric. Give it a try and see what praising the Lord can do. I think I will make it a mandatory part of my morning routine. :)
November 20, 2010
How much does God control?
There is a popular train of thought among Christians that says God does not cause bad things to happen, but he allows them. After all, Lamentations 3:37 says "Can anything happen without the Lords permission?" Somehow it is supposed to be easier to reconcile that a good God does not cause bad things to happen, but he gives permission for those things to happen. For awhile I was content to be brainwashed with that train of thought. That said, I was only brainwashed because I allowed myself to be. I am in no way blaming anyone. But I feel that it is foolish to just accept an explanation. I would not buy it if someone tried to explain that about something! Why should someone who does not believe in God buy into that. Or better yet, people who say if there is a God, or if God is good, why does he allow such things to happen? This is a universal question....... Which leads me to another thought. Doesn't is seem interesting that there are universal questions or trains of thought? Like how people form 2 different cultures who have never been exposed to one another can have the same questions about the universe. Or create the same invention. I would say that this is proof that the universal ideas are because those two very different people are from the same creator....
So what got me thinking about this was when I was reading 2 Chronicles 7. Solomon just completed building the temple with God's help and all the people are rejoicing and praising God and it says that this praising caused the people to be joyful and happy because the Lord had been so good. When we praise God it's like we can't help but be joyful. vs. 13 is what caught my attention. God says At times I might shut up the heavens so that no rain falls, or I might command the locusts to devour your crops, or I might send plagues among you. in this case God goes on in vs 14 to explain the purpose for this. He says " Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and forgive their sins, and heal their land. It seems to me that God would allow such things to happen when people have turned away from him and he causes these things to happen to bring them back into a relationship with him. I get that there are things in life that happen in life that put us in a position to seek God. I am all for that, because I have definitely had those moments and they have drawn me to God and strengthened my faith and love for God. What about those situations though where just awful unimaginable things happen to people. What about those kids born with disabilities or those who are neglected and abused. It is easy to push those things aside when they are not part of your everyday life. I guess I have been questioning things like that more working with kids with severe disabilities. Some inflicted upon themselves... Even though I can reconcile that God may not have inflicted some of those things, he still allowed them to happen.. Why? Let me clarify something before I go on. Let there be no mistake that even though I seem to be coming to the conclusion that there are some bad things in the world that God causes to happen, keep in mind that there is evil in this world, and I do not in any way believe that God causes evil to happen in this world. Satan causes evil in this world. However again that leads me back to the verse "Can anything happen without the Lords permission?"
I will say that I believe the character of God is consistent. The Bible shows time and time again of instances where bad things have happened to good people and yet God used them for an amazing purpose that not only benefited the life of the sufferer later on in life, but those around him, or even a nation. That applies even today. God works in my life in similar ways. I am a believer that God can use even the most devastating circumstances in my life for good. Not just in general, but good that will benefit me! Believing in God.. being humble.. seeking God.. praying to God.. It is what my soul longs for It draws me to God and benefits my life spiritually!
I wish I had a logical explanation for a conclusion, but I don't. That is what I am wrestling with right now. I think it is ok though for someone who believes in God to wrestle with these questions and not just simply accept the explanation as it is given to you by someone else. I don't believe that God wants me to just accept these simple explanations either. I was created to ask these questions. These questions make me seek God more and can only serve to deepen my faith. That being said I may never have a question to this answer.
Any thoughts? There is a really great ministry called RBC that publishes little booklets. I have found them extremely beneficial as I seek God. Here is the link to one I will be reading as I wrestle with my questions. It is called. I hope you will consider these questions as well. Seek God, as I will be, and let him teach you.
http://discoveryseries.org/discovery-series/how-much-does-god-control/
So what got me thinking about this was when I was reading 2 Chronicles 7. Solomon just completed building the temple with God's help and all the people are rejoicing and praising God and it says that this praising caused the people to be joyful and happy because the Lord had been so good. When we praise God it's like we can't help but be joyful. vs. 13 is what caught my attention. God says At times I might shut up the heavens so that no rain falls, or I might command the locusts to devour your crops, or I might send plagues among you. in this case God goes on in vs 14 to explain the purpose for this. He says " Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and forgive their sins, and heal their land. It seems to me that God would allow such things to happen when people have turned away from him and he causes these things to happen to bring them back into a relationship with him. I get that there are things in life that happen in life that put us in a position to seek God. I am all for that, because I have definitely had those moments and they have drawn me to God and strengthened my faith and love for God. What about those situations though where just awful unimaginable things happen to people. What about those kids born with disabilities or those who are neglected and abused. It is easy to push those things aside when they are not part of your everyday life. I guess I have been questioning things like that more working with kids with severe disabilities. Some inflicted upon themselves... Even though I can reconcile that God may not have inflicted some of those things, he still allowed them to happen.. Why? Let me clarify something before I go on. Let there be no mistake that even though I seem to be coming to the conclusion that there are some bad things in the world that God causes to happen, keep in mind that there is evil in this world, and I do not in any way believe that God causes evil to happen in this world. Satan causes evil in this world. However again that leads me back to the verse "Can anything happen without the Lords permission?"
I will say that I believe the character of God is consistent. The Bible shows time and time again of instances where bad things have happened to good people and yet God used them for an amazing purpose that not only benefited the life of the sufferer later on in life, but those around him, or even a nation. That applies even today. God works in my life in similar ways. I am a believer that God can use even the most devastating circumstances in my life for good. Not just in general, but good that will benefit me! Believing in God.. being humble.. seeking God.. praying to God.. It is what my soul longs for It draws me to God and benefits my life spiritually!
I wish I had a logical explanation for a conclusion, but I don't. That is what I am wrestling with right now. I think it is ok though for someone who believes in God to wrestle with these questions and not just simply accept the explanation as it is given to you by someone else. I don't believe that God wants me to just accept these simple explanations either. I was created to ask these questions. These questions make me seek God more and can only serve to deepen my faith. That being said I may never have a question to this answer.
Any thoughts? There is a really great ministry called RBC that publishes little booklets. I have found them extremely beneficial as I seek God. Here is the link to one I will be reading as I wrestle with my questions. It is called. I hope you will consider these questions as well. Seek God, as I will be, and let him teach you.
http://discoveryseries.org/discovery-series/how-much-does-god-control/
October 18, 2010
Linked to a memory
Haha.. I almost named this blog post smells and memory, but the first thing my mind went to were farts and I did not want anyone else to think that was what I was writing about.. lol....moving on..
Do you ever notice how some scents bring back memories? There are some things we associate smells with.. There are the obvious scents of the seasons like cider and leaves. Then there are scents that are much more personal. I know whenever I smell Pine Sol it is associated with this memory of when I was 3 or 4 and had to stay after school for some reason and they were cleaning the classroom. I have no idea why that has stayed with me.
I got a new body wash today. Suave Sweet Pea and Violet. As I was taking in that scent I remembered having that particular lotion that I would always use. It was between June 2004 and December 2004. At this point you are probably thinking wow, Lisa has mad memory skills! Lol. Well I do have a good memory, but I just happen to remember this time, because it was the start of a big turning point in my life. I was blessed to live in Indy then doing a design internship. This was my first time being on my own, doing a job I loved, in a city I loved. Then I learned that I was not going to get a job at the place I was working, and what was worse is I had to leave my family here. I was devastated. As Psalm 77:1 says, I cried out to God without holding back, but God was silent. In the month before I had to leave I found myself driving to church and almost getting there only to have to turn around and go home because I could not contain my emotions. I could not understand why God would give me the desire of my heart only to allow it to be taken away. It is weird how that scent reminds me of that time, and how I have looked for it since, but could never find it.. until today (and bath & body works sweet pea does not smell the same)
So anyway, as I was drinking in that scent today and remembering that time, I praised the Lord for his amazing goodness and I thanked him for that time. How crazy that I can say that now. After that time I had to move back to New Jersey with my Dad, which was not the best living arrangement, especially for a new believer. I could not get a job in the fashion industry, and I was not interested in finishing up that degree anymore. I went from one bad job to another and was even fired from one. I quit going to church for a month, but realized that even then I could not escape God and did not want to anymore. I came to points of surrender over and over again! God showed me through prayer and the Bible that I needed to start building a better relationship with my Mom. He brought me into some wonderful friendships at my church, some of which I still have. He helped me realize through prayer that I wanted to work with older people. I also quit smoking during this time. He led me to move to Florida, where I finished my degree and got to know my mom more. I started to realize that my time in Florida was coming to an end, but I was afraid to move. God showed me again through prayer and people, that it was ok to move back to Indy.
Isn't it funny how memories come back at us, and that we can look back and see the wonderful amazing works of God in our lives? I am sure amazed that I can praise him for such a crushing thing in my life. There really is nothing in our lives that are wasted or that God can not use for his Glory! Praise be to God!
Do you ever notice how some scents bring back memories? There are some things we associate smells with.. There are the obvious scents of the seasons like cider and leaves. Then there are scents that are much more personal. I know whenever I smell Pine Sol it is associated with this memory of when I was 3 or 4 and had to stay after school for some reason and they were cleaning the classroom. I have no idea why that has stayed with me.
I got a new body wash today. Suave Sweet Pea and Violet. As I was taking in that scent I remembered having that particular lotion that I would always use. It was between June 2004 and December 2004. At this point you are probably thinking wow, Lisa has mad memory skills! Lol. Well I do have a good memory, but I just happen to remember this time, because it was the start of a big turning point in my life. I was blessed to live in Indy then doing a design internship. This was my first time being on my own, doing a job I loved, in a city I loved. Then I learned that I was not going to get a job at the place I was working, and what was worse is I had to leave my family here. I was devastated. As Psalm 77:1 says, I cried out to God without holding back, but God was silent. In the month before I had to leave I found myself driving to church and almost getting there only to have to turn around and go home because I could not contain my emotions. I could not understand why God would give me the desire of my heart only to allow it to be taken away. It is weird how that scent reminds me of that time, and how I have looked for it since, but could never find it.. until today (and bath & body works sweet pea does not smell the same)
So anyway, as I was drinking in that scent today and remembering that time, I praised the Lord for his amazing goodness and I thanked him for that time. How crazy that I can say that now. After that time I had to move back to New Jersey with my Dad, which was not the best living arrangement, especially for a new believer. I could not get a job in the fashion industry, and I was not interested in finishing up that degree anymore. I went from one bad job to another and was even fired from one. I quit going to church for a month, but realized that even then I could not escape God and did not want to anymore. I came to points of surrender over and over again! God showed me through prayer and the Bible that I needed to start building a better relationship with my Mom. He brought me into some wonderful friendships at my church, some of which I still have. He helped me realize through prayer that I wanted to work with older people. I also quit smoking during this time. He led me to move to Florida, where I finished my degree and got to know my mom more. I started to realize that my time in Florida was coming to an end, but I was afraid to move. God showed me again through prayer and people, that it was ok to move back to Indy.
Isn't it funny how memories come back at us, and that we can look back and see the wonderful amazing works of God in our lives? I am sure amazed that I can praise him for such a crushing thing in my life. There really is nothing in our lives that are wasted or that God can not use for his Glory! Praise be to God!
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