One Month

It has been a month. One month since my Dad died. One month trying to figure out this thing called grief. That part of my llife is over.. complete.. done.. there are some stories in your life you can go back and open the book again to a new chapter, but not when death is involved... it is finished.. the end. So here are some ramblings about what I have learned or experienced. You do laugh and joke without feeling guilty. I have been in conversations with more than one person in the past who questioned how so and so could laugh and smile 3 weeks after their loved one died. I am here to tell you I laughed the same day. Not that my Dad was dead.. lol.. but at other things. There are so many emotions involved that you just can't predict how you will be from one moment to another. I was not expecting that grief would mess with my cognitive abilities. At first I had a difficult time remembering things and felt like I was repeating myself a lot. Not to mention that sometimes it was hard to find the right word or form a sentence without stuttering. I am glad to say that that department has gotten back to normal (or maybe it hasn't and I just forgot.. lol). Just when I think I have achieved some goal where I think I am ok, I will fall apart again. The drive back to Indiana from New Jersey, I was feeling good, I expected that things would feel better when I got home, but they did not. They felt worse, cause I had a bunch of my Dad's things, and I knew that was all that was left.. things. I went back into somewhat of a routine.. work and such, but that doesn't seem to matter, and I let everyone know that there are more important things than work, and no matter what, the work still gets done so there is no point in worrying about things at work. I am fine all day long and can talk about his death without a tear at work or church.. I usually cry.. sometimes for a split second.. usually in the car. Last week I didn't cry. I hardly thought about it since I was on vacation. Then today it hit me full force again. Someone at church told me this morning that sometimes it helps when the person who has died has died suddenly.. thats all I heard before I tuned her out. All I could think about on the way home was the fact that I did not get to say goodbye.. thats when the grief started again. I am sure this person was trying to bring me some comfort and for all I know they may have had to watch someone slowly die. I guess I am  little tired of being the one who has to be understanding. I know there is no way around this .. no matter how hard I try.. I know this has to be a process.. I get angry because I get to a point where I am fine, and then it hits me again.. It has only been a month, but it feels like it has been much longer. Stay tuned... things will get better.. then worse... then better...