So I suppose I should talk about my bags since that is what inspired the name of this blog. My brand name is Lavender Skies and it is a collection of Purses.. bags.. or handbags.. depending on what you like to say, you get the idea. Lavender Skies is inspired by Indiana Skies. Never have I seen prettier skies than the skies in Indiana. Indeed there are times when they are even Lavender and it is like magic looking up. So I am trying to make more bags so I can post them on etsy.com and start selling them already. I have sold a few bags to coworkers etc, and I get lots of compliments on the bags I make. Plenty of people tell me I should sell my bags so I am trying to get serious. I have this fear though that I will make all these bags and no one will want them. No matter what anyone says I can't seem to get past that. Since I am trying to not let fear rule my life I am trying to press on, but then the fear comes back and procrastinationm takes over. Or I will finish some and see something I could have done better and take it apart. AAAAAHHHH..
So right now I have 2 smal bags that I would be proud to sell.. There were more, but I decided to take them apart and add pockets, so they are going to be included in my un finished list. Hopefully as I finishe bags I will be inspired to keep going as I see things being crossed off.
Bags in the works
13 Large Diaper and/or messenger bags
5 medium purses
7 small purses
September 28, 2010
September 23, 2010
The Shunemite woman
I have been thinking about the account of this Shunemite woman for probably almost a month now. The story is from 2 Kings 4: 8-17. It is just easier if it is read it first, so here it is:
2 Kings 4:8-17 (New Living Translation)
Elisha and the Woman from Shunem
8 One day Elisha went to the town of Shunem. A wealthy woman lived there, and she urged him to come to her home for a meal. After that, whenever he passed that way, he would stop there for something to eat. 9 She said to her husband, “I am sure this man who stops in from time to time is a holy man of God. 10 Let’s build a small room for him on the roof and furnish it with a bed, a table, a chair, and a lamp. Then he will have a place to stay whenever he comes by.”
11 One day Elisha returned to Shunem, and he went up to this upper room to rest. 12 He said to his servant Gehazi, “Tell the woman from Shunem I want to speak to her.” When she appeared, 13 Elisha said to Gehazi, “Tell her, ‘We appreciate the kind concern you have shown us. What can we do for you? Can we put in a good word for you to the king or to the commander of the army?’”
“No,” she replied, “my family takes good care of me.”
14 Later Elisha asked Gehazi, “What can we do for her?”
Gehazi replied, “She doesn’t have a son, and her husband is an old man.”
15 “Call her back again,” Elisha told him. When the woman returned, Elisha said to her as she stood in the doorway, 16 “Next year at this time you will be holding a son in your arms!”
“No, my lord!” she cried. “O man of God, don’t deceive me and get my hopes up like that.”
17 But sure enough, the woman soon became pregnant. And at that time the following year she had a son, just as Elisha had said.
Elisha and the Woman from Shunem
8 One day Elisha went to the town of Shunem. A wealthy woman lived there, and she urged him to come to her home for a meal. After that, whenever he passed that way, he would stop there for something to eat. 9 She said to her husband, “I am sure this man who stops in from time to time is a holy man of God. 10 Let’s build a small room for him on the roof and furnish it with a bed, a table, a chair, and a lamp. Then he will have a place to stay whenever he comes by.”11 One day Elisha returned to Shunem, and he went up to this upper room to rest. 12 He said to his servant Gehazi, “Tell the woman from Shunem I want to speak to her.” When she appeared, 13 Elisha said to Gehazi, “Tell her, ‘We appreciate the kind concern you have shown us. What can we do for you? Can we put in a good word for you to the king or to the commander of the army?’”
“No,” she replied, “my family takes good care of me.”
14 Later Elisha asked Gehazi, “What can we do for her?”
Gehazi replied, “She doesn’t have a son, and her husband is an old man.”
15 “Call her back again,” Elisha told him. When the woman returned, Elisha said to her as she stood in the doorway, 16 “Next year at this time you will be holding a son in your arms!”
“No, my lord!” she cried. “O man of God, don’t deceive me and get my hopes up like that.”
17 But sure enough, the woman soon became pregnant. And at that time the following year she had a son, just as Elisha had said.
______________
First of all, here is this woman who has a prominent story in the Bible and her account is so moving that it prompted the writer to record it. She recognizes that Elisha is a man of God and goes out of her way to make him comfortable in preparing his own room for when he passes through. She has nothing to gain from this act of service, she is after all wealthy on her own, however this is something that she can do to serve the Lord, by serving this man of God. Elisha would like to do something kind for her and suggests that he can put in a good word for her with the king. She declines this offer though, since her family takes good care of her. First off I see that she is content with her life and is well thought of by her family. I can see why if she will treat this stranger in such a kind way. Later on the servant suggests to Elisha that the woman does not have any children, so Elisha said to her that by the time he returns next year she would be holding a son in her arms. She does not ask for anything in return. Her reaction indicates an unfulfilled longing " No my Lord! Please don't lie to me like that oh man of God." How many years had this woman prayed? Begged? Pleaded that the Lord would answer her prayers. It also reminds me of Hannah, and her prayers for a son. But back to the Shunemite. She had these unfulfilled longings, but somehow she learned to accept them. She does not exhibit any bitterness in her life. In fact she appears to be serving the Lord with joy!
I could not stop thinking about this after I first read it. I read it the next day. Then the next, my Grandmother started quoting it to me without her knowledge that I read it. When that happens I know that God is trying to teach me something. Now will I listen? I know that I have unfulfilled longings in my life and quite frankly it has been harder to accept them over the past few years dealing with lack of security with church, friends, and relationships. I had begged with God, I have pleaded, I have become bitter. I still cling to God, but begrudgingly sometimes. I have found that being saturated in God's word helps these times, but I am still so far from where this Shunemite woman was. She probably accepted her circumstances and chose to serve with joy. So to have all her hope suddenly built up again was more than she dared to believe... but.. it happened! Sure enough she had her baby boy that next year. Imagine the overwhelming joy and love not just for her son, but for God as well. To have her prayers suddenly answered.
God can changes circumstances at any time. It is amazing how things can change so quickly! But obviously God allows our prayers to go unanswered for a reason sometimes. Even things that would be good. I mean for this woman the prayer for a baby was a good thing. Why would God choose to delay such a prayer? All we see is how the woman is now, a joyful woman who serves without expecting anything else in return. Who knows how the Lord molded her during those times of anguish and finally acceptance.
Indeed the Lord is molding me somehow. I pray that one day I too am able to serve with such joy as this Shunemite woman.
First of all, here is this woman who has a prominent story in the Bible and her account is so moving that it prompted the writer to record it. She recognizes that Elisha is a man of God and goes out of her way to make him comfortable in preparing his own room for when he passes through. She has nothing to gain from this act of service, she is after all wealthy on her own, however this is something that she can do to serve the Lord, by serving this man of God. Elisha would like to do something kind for her and suggests that he can put in a good word for her with the king. She declines this offer though, since her family takes good care of her. First off I see that she is content with her life and is well thought of by her family. I can see why if she will treat this stranger in such a kind way. Later on the servant suggests to Elisha that the woman does not have any children, so Elisha said to her that by the time he returns next year she would be holding a son in her arms. She does not ask for anything in return. Her reaction indicates an unfulfilled longing " No my Lord! Please don't lie to me like that oh man of God." How many years had this woman prayed? Begged? Pleaded that the Lord would answer her prayers. It also reminds me of Hannah, and her prayers for a son. But back to the Shunemite. She had these unfulfilled longings, but somehow she learned to accept them. She does not exhibit any bitterness in her life. In fact she appears to be serving the Lord with joy!
I could not stop thinking about this after I first read it. I read it the next day. Then the next, my Grandmother started quoting it to me without her knowledge that I read it. When that happens I know that God is trying to teach me something. Now will I listen? I know that I have unfulfilled longings in my life and quite frankly it has been harder to accept them over the past few years dealing with lack of security with church, friends, and relationships. I had begged with God, I have pleaded, I have become bitter. I still cling to God, but begrudgingly sometimes. I have found that being saturated in God's word helps these times, but I am still so far from where this Shunemite woman was. She probably accepted her circumstances and chose to serve with joy. So to have all her hope suddenly built up again was more than she dared to believe... but.. it happened! Sure enough she had her baby boy that next year. Imagine the overwhelming joy and love not just for her son, but for God as well. To have her prayers suddenly answered.
God can changes circumstances at any time. It is amazing how things can change so quickly! But obviously God allows our prayers to go unanswered for a reason sometimes. Even things that would be good. I mean for this woman the prayer for a baby was a good thing. Why would God choose to delay such a prayer? All we see is how the woman is now, a joyful woman who serves without expecting anything else in return. Who knows how the Lord molded her during those times of anguish and finally acceptance.
Indeed the Lord is molding me somehow. I pray that one day I too am able to serve with such joy as this Shunemite woman.
September 9, 2010
My 9/11
Sometimes things need to be remembered, no matter how painful. I don't find this experience as painful to remember anymore. Maybe because I have distanced myself from it, or maybe because I have healed. Either way, I am greatly aware that even though I was not following the Lord on this day, he was ever present and guiding me to where I needed to go. As you read, I hope you see that as well. Here is a glimpse into my experience. It is an ever present reminder that God is always working things out in strange and random ways.
I was afraid of being late again that day. I had only been in school for a few weeks. I was 19 and had just started my new school, The Fashion Institute of Technology. I was still getting used to the busses and subways not to mention carrying all my art and/or sewing supplies into New York City. My class started at 9:10 that Tuesday morning September 11th, 2001. As always, I looked out the window at the New York Skyline. It was a clear beautiful day and unseasonably warm. I was wearing jeans and a sleeveless top. I looked over just before the bus turned into the Lincoln Tunnel that would take me from New Jersey into New York. It must have been just minutes before the first plane hit the first tower, because everything looked as it should.
As the bus was approaching the Port Authority, I got my student ID out and put it around my neck. I was also wearing my watch around that chain link. I gathered my supplies, which consisted of a big shoulder bag and my art bin. I stepped off the bus and got in step with the other commuters ready to enter New York mode. There was nothing out of the ordinary that would have made me get out of my routine. I listened to my music the whole way. I was listening to Beth Orton’s Trailer Park CD. I walked down into the subway and saw my train about to leave. All of a sudden I felt the chain link that was carrying my ID and watch slip from my neck. I remember looking down and thinking ‘huh how could that chain have gotten unlinked’ I quickly picked it up and got on the train. I already knew I was going to be a few minutes late to class.
I got off the train at 8th Ave @ 23rd st. I headed up the stairs. It must have been about 9:05 or 9:10. I would later learn that the second plane had just hit the second building within minutes. I started walking towards FIT on 27th St. I was walking up 8th ave. I walked about a block before I realized something was up. Everyone was looking at something in the sky the opposite way. I turned around and suddenly felt like I was moving in slow motion and as I looked. Before I could even see what it was, there was something about the way everyone looked. There was a sense all through my body, that nothing would be the same. I saw what everyone else saw. I stood with my mouth open and my art bin nearly slipped through my hands. I wondered what in the world could have happened. I could not even imagine, just that I had never seen such a fire and so much smoke in my life. At that angle, there was only ever a view of one of the towers and there was a giant cloud of smoke.
I just stood there for a while mesmerized by the sight and everyone on the street was quiet. I decided I better get to school to find out what was going on. I made it to my classroom, but the professor was not there and there weren’t as many students. We started talking about the World Trade Center, but no one had a clue as to what was going on. We all waited for a while. I finally got restless and told some people I was going to go back down to the street level to see what was going on. Another girl went with me and we stood on 8th Ave. By this time there were a lot of people looking up at the WTC in flames. I remember that we just stood there in silence for a long time. I could not take the silence, I needed to say something so I said something like I could not believe that there were people just up there dying. I felt lame even as I said it, like there should be more emotions, but I just did not know how to feel. She agreed. It was somber, but we had no idea what to think. Then we both overheard a man in front of us say he saw a plane crash into the buildings. A 737. I looked at him like he was crazy. I started talking to the girl in disbelief and I clearly remember saying ‘Yeah right.. I highly doubt that happened.. I mean if it was a plane, maybe one of those tiny planes, not a 737’. I was dead serious and she agreed with me. Who could conceive of a huge plane flying into a building in NYC.
We went back to our classroom. We were all wondering what to do. At this point it was apparent there was something going on, but no one really knew what. It must have been about 10 or shortly before when another faculty member came in the room with instructions. She came in and informed us that 2 planes had hit the World Trade Center. She went on to explain that they had not heard from our professor, but the train she takes goes directly under. It was a big blow. We were all shocked and stood there in disbelief. She went on to explain that another plane had crashed into the Pentagon. There was no doubt. At this point we were all aware that it was a terrorist attack. I don’t remember what everyone did at this point, but I do remember running from the room in tears. Could this be happening, I could not handle it. I suddenly remembered visiting my Dad’s long time friend a few years before, who now worked in the Pentagon. Could he have been there. The faculty member ran after me and urged me to come back. I did. There was nothing else I could do. She explained that everyone was to report to the auditorium for further instructions.
We all made it to the auditorium. I remember it being packed. There was a giant screen and they were playing news coverage. The coverage was of the towers. It was so weird, because I was seeing the same thing outside this building as on this screen. I remember seeing President Bush on the screen. I remember there being fear in this face. We were informed of what was going on in the country in that auditorium. I don’t remember much about what was said. I only remember them announcing that they were opening up phones so we could call our loved ones. Oh yeah, and the fact that the tunnels and bridges leaving the city were closed as well. I had managed to pull myself together from my initial reaction, but there was still the issue of how do I get home to New Jersey! I desperately wanted my cell phone. I had conveniently lost it at the movies a few weeks prior and not gotten a replacement yet. I realized later on that it would not have mattered; no one in the city could make calls from their cell phones. All I had as far as cash was about 5 bucks. I already had my bus card and subway card prepaid. I kept wondering what I was going to do. Who was I going to call. I stood in line and the only one I could think to call was my Dad. All my other friends would have been in school. The phone was busy. I tried again. Still busy. I had to get in the back of the line to give others a turn. I must have tried calling at least 20 times within who knows the span of time... maybe a few hours. It was always the same, busy. I started wondering around the school’s offices, stopping at whatever phone I could find and it was always the same. Busy. I would find out later on that our house was getting numerous calls from various people wanting to know where I was and if he had heard from me.
It was sometime in the middle of the day by this time and I was getting nowhere. This was one of the times that I had been trying to quit smoking, and not doing a very good job at it. I finally took my 5 bucks and just gave in. I went to the store and bought a pack of cigarettes. I sat at the other end of my school on the corner of 7th Ave and 27th st. and started smoking. Another girl who went to my school started talking to me and we started talking about how we had both just started FIT. I think she said she was from Staten Island, so she was stranded in the city too. During that time she managed to make a call to her Mom, who told her she could go to a friends office that was a few blocks from where we were. The girl didn’t want to go alone, and since I had no other plan, I agreed to go with her. We were going to 5 Penn Plaza. Don’t ask me how that has burned in my brain all these years, or even how all these other details have, they just have. We walked uptown to Penn Plaza, as the trains were shut down. I was used to seeing many people on the streets, this was NY after all, but when we got there it was even more crowded. Not only that, most of the people were sitting down or standing around, looking as perplexed as we were. We found the building of her mom’s friend and we rode the elevator up. I remember being nervous about going too high in a skyscraper. Then the elevator door opened, and the logo behind the reception desk read CNN/fn. There was no mistaking that CNN logo, although I was not sure what the fn stood for (I think it stands for financial network). Could this day get any more surreal I thought. I was in a daze, but even I could recognized the odd path I was taking. She told the receptionist who she was there to see and we were ushered to wait in the lobby area. There were a lot of people there as well. There was one man carrying a bag and arguing with the receptionist. He said he had made this appointment weeks or months ago and wanted to know why some person could not meet with him. Was he serious I thought.. could he not see what was going on? There were windows everywhere! The friend of the mom came out and brought us back into her office. There was a clear view of the towers.. or the smoke I should say. I don’t think I was aware that the towers had fallen at this point. I just remember the tower of smoke as I tried not to look. It was passed lunch.. around 2 I think and I was hungry. They had lunch catered and she allowed us to go and get some sandwiches. As I was getting a sandwich I overheard a woman telling someone that they had used her video coverage of the towers. Again I thought why is she so excited. I ate my sandwich quickly.
The friend told me that she heard the ferries were open and taking people back to New Jersey. I was not quite sure how to get there and not getting much direction. I realized that it was time to go. I left on my own and walked up to 42nd st. I knew the reports were that the Port Authority had closed, but I wanted to walk by to see for myself. There was a man in and Army uniform posted at the door. I asked him where the ferry was and he told me. I started walking in the direction of the Hudson River. I passed some men in orange toga looking things with shaved heads. They appeared to be meditating peacefully. More random stuff I thought. I made it to the area of the ferry. There was another massive crowd in a huge line. I stood in line hoping I was in the right place. I talked to a few people in line, but I could not really remember what was said. We passed the Intrepid air and sea museum and I remembered my mom and dad taking me there as a kid. The sun was beating down hot. There were Ferry workers passing out water to people in line. I over heard someone say he had already waited a few hours. It turns out I would be too. I saw military helicopters in the sky and military issued vehicles on the street. There were soldiers with guns and I felt like I was back on an Army Base or Saudi Arabia for a split second. I wondered how I was going to pay for the Ferry.
I had no cash. Would they take pity on me? Would they take a check. In the background I had turned on my Beth Orton CD playing. I listened to a song called ‘I wish I never saw the Sunshine’ as the sun beat down on me I could feel a burn forming on my shoulders, but I was exposed and there was no where to go. I kept listening... I wish I never saw the sunshine baby cause maybe.. I wouldn’t mind the rain. I had listened to that song a lot over the past month thinking about someone who had taken away my sunshine. Now suddenly I was thinking about the irony of the Sunshine on that Tuesday, when it was such a dark day.
I kept listening to the lyrics.. You took the blue out of the sky and my whole life changed when you said goodbye, and I keep crying.. I felt numb. I waited in that line for hours. Finally I made it on a boat. They let us on without paying. I managed to find a seat. It was facing downtown, but I did my best to look away. Many people went over to the other side of the boat to get a better look. I could tell by this time that the smoke was no longer a tower, but drifting towards the river. I remember the earliest news reports I saw saying that the tower would never fall, but I knew what the drifting smoke meant. I realized that the towers must have fallen. I continued to look towards the other side, anxious to be back in Jersey. I made it off the boat, but I was still in a dilemma. I was in Weehawken, NJ and still about 20 minutes from home. I walked towards the road and saw a man standing there with a sign that said ‘Cantor-Fitzgerald’. From the bits and pieces of information I got that day, I remember hearing about how this company was in the worst hit areas of the WTC. I did not want to think too much about that. At that moment I noticed some busses, and I was the 166, my bus. I got on and I sat in silence with the other commuters. It dropped me off where it always did, at the end of my block. I walked up the block, but before I did, I took my cigarettes out and threw them on the street. It was a little after 5pm. I had left that morning at about 7:50. As I walked in the door my Dad was there. I remember him saying ‘Thank God’ and he hugged me.
As soon as my Dad let me go he handed me a list of people who had called throughout the day wanting to know where I was. Some people had called multiple times. I started calling people. Some people wanted to tell me about their experiences, but I was in no state to tell them about mine. Some of my family members cried. I looked at that list and remember having the overwhelming feeling that I was cared for. I was even surprised by a few of the names on that list. Later on I ate some dinner as my Dad continued to play the nonstop coverage of the news. It was amazing how they would show the same images and the towers falling over and over. My Dad looked at me and asked why I was shaking. That’s funny, I did not realize I was. There was one thing I did realize though. I knew that my life would never be the same.
I was afraid of being late again that day. I had only been in school for a few weeks. I was 19 and had just started my new school, The Fashion Institute of Technology. I was still getting used to the busses and subways not to mention carrying all my art and/or sewing supplies into New York City. My class started at 9:10 that Tuesday morning September 11th, 2001. As always, I looked out the window at the New York Skyline. It was a clear beautiful day and unseasonably warm. I was wearing jeans and a sleeveless top. I looked over just before the bus turned into the Lincoln Tunnel that would take me from New Jersey into New York. It must have been just minutes before the first plane hit the first tower, because everything looked as it should.
As the bus was approaching the Port Authority, I got my student ID out and put it around my neck. I was also wearing my watch around that chain link. I gathered my supplies, which consisted of a big shoulder bag and my art bin. I stepped off the bus and got in step with the other commuters ready to enter New York mode. There was nothing out of the ordinary that would have made me get out of my routine. I listened to my music the whole way. I was listening to Beth Orton’s Trailer Park CD. I walked down into the subway and saw my train about to leave. All of a sudden I felt the chain link that was carrying my ID and watch slip from my neck. I remember looking down and thinking ‘huh how could that chain have gotten unlinked’ I quickly picked it up and got on the train. I already knew I was going to be a few minutes late to class.
I got off the train at 8th Ave @ 23rd st. I headed up the stairs. It must have been about 9:05 or 9:10. I would later learn that the second plane had just hit the second building within minutes. I started walking towards FIT on 27th St. I was walking up 8th ave. I walked about a block before I realized something was up. Everyone was looking at something in the sky the opposite way. I turned around and suddenly felt like I was moving in slow motion and as I looked. Before I could even see what it was, there was something about the way everyone looked. There was a sense all through my body, that nothing would be the same. I saw what everyone else saw. I stood with my mouth open and my art bin nearly slipped through my hands. I wondered what in the world could have happened. I could not even imagine, just that I had never seen such a fire and so much smoke in my life. At that angle, there was only ever a view of one of the towers and there was a giant cloud of smoke.
I just stood there for a while mesmerized by the sight and everyone on the street was quiet. I decided I better get to school to find out what was going on. I made it to my classroom, but the professor was not there and there weren’t as many students. We started talking about the World Trade Center, but no one had a clue as to what was going on. We all waited for a while. I finally got restless and told some people I was going to go back down to the street level to see what was going on. Another girl went with me and we stood on 8th Ave. By this time there were a lot of people looking up at the WTC in flames. I remember that we just stood there in silence for a long time. I could not take the silence, I needed to say something so I said something like I could not believe that there were people just up there dying. I felt lame even as I said it, like there should be more emotions, but I just did not know how to feel. She agreed. It was somber, but we had no idea what to think. Then we both overheard a man in front of us say he saw a plane crash into the buildings. A 737. I looked at him like he was crazy. I started talking to the girl in disbelief and I clearly remember saying ‘Yeah right.. I highly doubt that happened.. I mean if it was a plane, maybe one of those tiny planes, not a 737’. I was dead serious and she agreed with me. Who could conceive of a huge plane flying into a building in NYC.
We went back to our classroom. We were all wondering what to do. At this point it was apparent there was something going on, but no one really knew what. It must have been about 10 or shortly before when another faculty member came in the room with instructions. She came in and informed us that 2 planes had hit the World Trade Center. She went on to explain that they had not heard from our professor, but the train she takes goes directly under. It was a big blow. We were all shocked and stood there in disbelief. She went on to explain that another plane had crashed into the Pentagon. There was no doubt. At this point we were all aware that it was a terrorist attack. I don’t remember what everyone did at this point, but I do remember running from the room in tears. Could this be happening, I could not handle it. I suddenly remembered visiting my Dad’s long time friend a few years before, who now worked in the Pentagon. Could he have been there. The faculty member ran after me and urged me to come back. I did. There was nothing else I could do. She explained that everyone was to report to the auditorium for further instructions.
We all made it to the auditorium. I remember it being packed. There was a giant screen and they were playing news coverage. The coverage was of the towers. It was so weird, because I was seeing the same thing outside this building as on this screen. I remember seeing President Bush on the screen. I remember there being fear in this face. We were informed of what was going on in the country in that auditorium. I don’t remember much about what was said. I only remember them announcing that they were opening up phones so we could call our loved ones. Oh yeah, and the fact that the tunnels and bridges leaving the city were closed as well. I had managed to pull myself together from my initial reaction, but there was still the issue of how do I get home to New Jersey! I desperately wanted my cell phone. I had conveniently lost it at the movies a few weeks prior and not gotten a replacement yet. I realized later on that it would not have mattered; no one in the city could make calls from their cell phones. All I had as far as cash was about 5 bucks. I already had my bus card and subway card prepaid. I kept wondering what I was going to do. Who was I going to call. I stood in line and the only one I could think to call was my Dad. All my other friends would have been in school. The phone was busy. I tried again. Still busy. I had to get in the back of the line to give others a turn. I must have tried calling at least 20 times within who knows the span of time... maybe a few hours. It was always the same, busy. I started wondering around the school’s offices, stopping at whatever phone I could find and it was always the same. Busy. I would find out later on that our house was getting numerous calls from various people wanting to know where I was and if he had heard from me.
It was sometime in the middle of the day by this time and I was getting nowhere. This was one of the times that I had been trying to quit smoking, and not doing a very good job at it. I finally took my 5 bucks and just gave in. I went to the store and bought a pack of cigarettes. I sat at the other end of my school on the corner of 7th Ave and 27th st. and started smoking. Another girl who went to my school started talking to me and we started talking about how we had both just started FIT. I think she said she was from Staten Island, so she was stranded in the city too. During that time she managed to make a call to her Mom, who told her she could go to a friends office that was a few blocks from where we were. The girl didn’t want to go alone, and since I had no other plan, I agreed to go with her. We were going to 5 Penn Plaza. Don’t ask me how that has burned in my brain all these years, or even how all these other details have, they just have. We walked uptown to Penn Plaza, as the trains were shut down. I was used to seeing many people on the streets, this was NY after all, but when we got there it was even more crowded. Not only that, most of the people were sitting down or standing around, looking as perplexed as we were. We found the building of her mom’s friend and we rode the elevator up. I remember being nervous about going too high in a skyscraper. Then the elevator door opened, and the logo behind the reception desk read CNN/fn. There was no mistaking that CNN logo, although I was not sure what the fn stood for (I think it stands for financial network). Could this day get any more surreal I thought. I was in a daze, but even I could recognized the odd path I was taking. She told the receptionist who she was there to see and we were ushered to wait in the lobby area. There were a lot of people there as well. There was one man carrying a bag and arguing with the receptionist. He said he had made this appointment weeks or months ago and wanted to know why some person could not meet with him. Was he serious I thought.. could he not see what was going on? There were windows everywhere! The friend of the mom came out and brought us back into her office. There was a clear view of the towers.. or the smoke I should say. I don’t think I was aware that the towers had fallen at this point. I just remember the tower of smoke as I tried not to look. It was passed lunch.. around 2 I think and I was hungry. They had lunch catered and she allowed us to go and get some sandwiches. As I was getting a sandwich I overheard a woman telling someone that they had used her video coverage of the towers. Again I thought why is she so excited. I ate my sandwich quickly.
The friend told me that she heard the ferries were open and taking people back to New Jersey. I was not quite sure how to get there and not getting much direction. I realized that it was time to go. I left on my own and walked up to 42nd st. I knew the reports were that the Port Authority had closed, but I wanted to walk by to see for myself. There was a man in and Army uniform posted at the door. I asked him where the ferry was and he told me. I started walking in the direction of the Hudson River. I passed some men in orange toga looking things with shaved heads. They appeared to be meditating peacefully. More random stuff I thought. I made it to the area of the ferry. There was another massive crowd in a huge line. I stood in line hoping I was in the right place. I talked to a few people in line, but I could not really remember what was said. We passed the Intrepid air and sea museum and I remembered my mom and dad taking me there as a kid. The sun was beating down hot. There were Ferry workers passing out water to people in line. I over heard someone say he had already waited a few hours. It turns out I would be too. I saw military helicopters in the sky and military issued vehicles on the street. There were soldiers with guns and I felt like I was back on an Army Base or Saudi Arabia for a split second. I wondered how I was going to pay for the Ferry.
I had no cash. Would they take pity on me? Would they take a check. In the background I had turned on my Beth Orton CD playing. I listened to a song called ‘I wish I never saw the Sunshine’ as the sun beat down on me I could feel a burn forming on my shoulders, but I was exposed and there was no where to go. I kept listening... I wish I never saw the sunshine baby cause maybe.. I wouldn’t mind the rain. I had listened to that song a lot over the past month thinking about someone who had taken away my sunshine. Now suddenly I was thinking about the irony of the Sunshine on that Tuesday, when it was such a dark day.
I kept listening to the lyrics.. You took the blue out of the sky and my whole life changed when you said goodbye, and I keep crying.. I felt numb. I waited in that line for hours. Finally I made it on a boat. They let us on without paying. I managed to find a seat. It was facing downtown, but I did my best to look away. Many people went over to the other side of the boat to get a better look. I could tell by this time that the smoke was no longer a tower, but drifting towards the river. I remember the earliest news reports I saw saying that the tower would never fall, but I knew what the drifting smoke meant. I realized that the towers must have fallen. I continued to look towards the other side, anxious to be back in Jersey. I made it off the boat, but I was still in a dilemma. I was in Weehawken, NJ and still about 20 minutes from home. I walked towards the road and saw a man standing there with a sign that said ‘Cantor-Fitzgerald’. From the bits and pieces of information I got that day, I remember hearing about how this company was in the worst hit areas of the WTC. I did not want to think too much about that. At that moment I noticed some busses, and I was the 166, my bus. I got on and I sat in silence with the other commuters. It dropped me off where it always did, at the end of my block. I walked up the block, but before I did, I took my cigarettes out and threw them on the street. It was a little after 5pm. I had left that morning at about 7:50. As I walked in the door my Dad was there. I remember him saying ‘Thank God’ and he hugged me.
As soon as my Dad let me go he handed me a list of people who had called throughout the day wanting to know where I was. Some people had called multiple times. I started calling people. Some people wanted to tell me about their experiences, but I was in no state to tell them about mine. Some of my family members cried. I looked at that list and remember having the overwhelming feeling that I was cared for. I was even surprised by a few of the names on that list. Later on I ate some dinner as my Dad continued to play the nonstop coverage of the news. It was amazing how they would show the same images and the towers falling over and over. My Dad looked at me and asked why I was shaking. That’s funny, I did not realize I was. There was one thing I did realize though. I knew that my life would never be the same.
September 6, 2010
Constant
As I was growing up, and sometimes even now, there was no place I could really identify with as being "from". That is how it is when you move around every few years. I now say I am from New Jersey, because that is just where I happened to live the longest, but no one believes me because I do not say cawffee for coffee or tawlk for talk.
However there was a place I could always point to as being a constant so to speak. That was Upstate New York, where my Grandparents are from. Between moves, I could always count on our family going up there for a visit. To me, it was always there, and it did not change. It was a place I could always go back to, even when I could not go back to the places I moved from. As I was flying home I started to realize that there will come a day where there will not be a need to go up there.. and that will no longer be a constant.
There are certain people who I can point to as constants. Some from my whole life, some from later on. Some left and came back, some have just left. I am thankful for the constants in my life right now and do not regret the ones who are no longer.
Bottom line.. In a world of uncertainty, there is really only one sure constant, and that is Jesus. Simple. Profound. True.
However there was a place I could always point to as being a constant so to speak. That was Upstate New York, where my Grandparents are from. Between moves, I could always count on our family going up there for a visit. To me, it was always there, and it did not change. It was a place I could always go back to, even when I could not go back to the places I moved from. As I was flying home I started to realize that there will come a day where there will not be a need to go up there.. and that will no longer be a constant.
There are certain people who I can point to as constants. Some from my whole life, some from later on. Some left and came back, some have just left. I am thankful for the constants in my life right now and do not regret the ones who are no longer.
Bottom line.. In a world of uncertainty, there is really only one sure constant, and that is Jesus. Simple. Profound. True.
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